Feeling raw... or bare to the bones

The following is an entry that was encouraged, by a friend from Brigadoon; it's revised from a hearfelt apology I genuinely extended to someone... and I am sharing the "heart" of the message; it also relays how I see/live on a daily basis.

I am a happy-go-lucky type outside work. And: outside work and because friends in RL worry about my vulnerabilities, they want to be "around" when I am not with people I work with.

My brain goes at more Mghz than most the brightest of the brightest can work. Prosecutors, detectives, et cetera, told me most brains run at 5 Mghz. They said mine goes 5000, however. I don't know if that is true, only that mine does not enter a "shut down" mode. I didn't get the IQ testing they sought; instead I got the AS dx.

I don't digest the world ... its stimuli ... as do others. My brain is constantly on a crash course or head-on with life on a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour and day-by-day basis.

In other words: I often cannot see things objectively. My filter is locked into the subjective when it comes to the personal side of me; the dual filter hones itself on Locard's Principal when it comes to work, however.

I try to step outside myself - in my personal life - and view through a prism that I don't hold to my heart but I can't. That is MY shortcoming. Others may see things I miss. That didn't strike me until a few days ago. It's a time delay understanding when too much stimuli is hitting me.

I just haven't the internal filters I reach for. (Nah, I actually struggle to grasp those filters that seem ever elusive to me.)

My life has been about "work" predominantly until Brigadoon. It's been: for a point, and hold to it and let no one punch any holes; in work relations, I am expected to anticipate weakness in argument and hit it head on in advance to seal those holes. See, it's being too darned focused.

I hurt others (and myself) by living by that "pattern."  I never meant to hurt anyone else.

My computer, as I said, when I joined Brigadoon, had been used solely for work; I use(d) another computer for anything possibly construed as "personal." And protecting myself also kicks into overdrive; the two facets have been intrinsic.

I just want for others to feel no pain and for me avoid saying stuff that doesn't come out quite the way I intended. With objective eyes, I feel everyone is "safe."

I am wearing my heart on my sleeve right now and feel vulnerable, as I think others might, too.

I like people, only I think, at times, interactions start off tenuously ... just not being familiar with one another prior and, though, we can have passions and interests that also intersect.

I'm trying to learn and determine where life can lead without me being so overly-protective (of myself and of things that are routine or most "comfortable"). I am just thinking, I set my guard so high to protect myself from past pain. And: That guard was set so I that I also, inadvertently, found a wall or barrier erected that led to not letting others beyond the protective "shield." What an irony, since it is interaction I want beyond the superficial.

I think, maybe, I have been hurt so much (in the past by others) that I go into over-drive to also protect myself; it's been an autonomic response. I can no longer say it is, though, because - now - I am cognizant of what is happening internally.

I take responsibility for my own shortcomings. I, simply, feel scared at times or overwhelmed ... and, sometimes, I do not know how to express it more briefly.

Having been hurt so much (in/by life itself) I just prefer no secrets.

I am not posting this in indifference to others. But I also want things to go well for others, long after this.

I've spoken - okay, make that written  - from the depths of my heart.

And I do so much feel sorrow that I don't know how to express myself as well as others when I've felt so much fear.

I WANT people to know me, as much as I WANT to know people. I can't separate my heart from that want or desire.

I've been trying to find my footing, as have others, but we aren't alone. I just say it differently and struggle for the words to say it... now, even after years of also working in publishing and stuff. Who woulda thought that life would take this path?

No one ever gave me a lesson in living or a manual on how to feel or find feeling being more human. Instead, it was about work and who wanted what, when and where. My brain "gets" deadlines. I also aim to be compassionate. But the angles of my mind that center on forensics hit the mark. I miss it when it comes to interacting with people outside work.

I can try harder though... and I know I am trying to the utmost - that I can manage. It's a moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour and day-by day effort. I think the effort well worth the endeavor.