I Grew Up Today

I grew up today.  I lost my innocence, and I don't think I like it much.

Playing SL ages you quickly... much too fast.  And, I had it good... not like the people who come into the game without a place to go to get their feet wet.  Brigadoon was already partly established when I came.  I wish I had been there at the onset to see it move from plain territory into the beautiful place that it is.  But, it was fine...peaceful...beautiful... water, hills, trees, a few houses, wonderful people to explore and become friends with/family.

My computer had a lot of lag.  So getting around was mighty hard.  I literally stumbled and fell and got stuck, A LOT... until my hubby got me a new video card.  Now it is better.  I learned how to fly and drop gracefully to the ground instead of falling from great heights and getting stuck to the ground (which requires re-logging).  Altho... the other day, I did fall off of a mountain and into a rabbit hole.. yes, a rabbit hole.  One of my buddies on another island has a rabbit avatar and lives in a hole in the ground, all strewn with the things he is working on. Neat.. but i had to call for a tp because I couldn't get out.  :D

I digress.  John took me on my first outing... to a workshop on building by Jamie Otis.  Jamie is a wonderful instructor but I have to admit I got little out of it other than how to make a prim.  Being a stroke survivor, my brain was having trouble grasping what was said and trying to use my view finder to focus.  I finally sat back and just listened.  Went back to Brigadoon and played with my new toy... the cube... the building block.  I built a dock.  Probably a hundred prims of .5m cubes.  And planted some flowers and put in a couple of chairs.... It was home.  I had a playpen.

But, playpens can only go so far... you want to stretch.. so I built a house among swaying trees... from scratch of course... using my buddy the cube.  It came all detached all the time.  Locking and linking just wasn't holding it together. Parts kept moving.  I was so frustrated.  I took it down... I knocked my blocks across the room so to speak.  I felt displaced.  I wanted to quit.  But, Coos saw my distress and came to my aid.  Calmed me down enough to go exploring.

I had tested this island once while looking for plants... I was a gatherer of plants and trees.  I went to wander through a game they had there and was talking to one of the the people there and they adopted me.  Now, I had a Brigadoon family, my core family, and an extended family.  Such wonderful things went on there.  I met people who made fireworks and waterfalls and sculptures and parts of games.  Best of all, they gave me a place to plant...a role...I was island gardener.  I have never been one for doing things without a purpose... this fit the bill!

I became totally immersed in this new society of wonder and pals and invention.  I made friends, created, was accepted (but on the fringe as always) and was having a wonderful teenage life.  I discovered and learned so much.  I developed what I thought was a relationship with the island owner and her sig other/fiance.  I got involved in group projects.

But, my life was cut short by a divorce.  The owner of the land quit because of RL issues and a serious disagreement with her SL fiance.  All of a sudden, no warning.  Disappeared..no contact..just a note on a forum saying she left.  Utter confusion, grief, everything imaginable. Then, the fiance announces his departure.  He was the orchestrator of the structure on the isle.  There was no stability, no structure, no way of finding out anything.  People started to talk of their experiences there, of where to go next.  But mostly, discussions of instability.  The next day, the owner announces (again out of the blue) that she is coming back.  Questions of whether she was really back, was coming back to sell the island, etc etc.  Too much flux.  Too many emotions.  No where to find answers.  No way back.  I was rapidly headed into late high school all within a week.

Yesterday, the day after the return announcement, were the meetings...very interesting meetings.  All of human nature was on display.  Some people couldn't take the emotion and used off-topic chatter or nonsensical inside jokes to deal.  Some people, who just hours before were talking about divorcing themselves from the situation, were playing extremely nice.  At first I couldn't quite figure it out.  How could it be that I felt the betrayal and loss so strongly and yet these people could turn around and start up as if nothing had happened.  Sure there were still questions, but nothing big.  One person did state his feelings of betrayal and broken trust and opted out and another expressed uncertainty but felt he had signed on for a job and had to follow through, but these were people in the hierarchy, not in the rank and file.  I was stunned.

Then I made the connection... the word "hidden agendas" came flashing across my eyes in bright flashing letters.  This is the only place in SL that I had come across that wasn't all chopped up, that worked together but left room for individuality, that supported each other with expertise and goods (not expecting payment), that had enough room for games and projects that could not be supported in other places.  Most of these people did not feel a need for a house to have a home.  The comeraderie and space was their home, their family.  If they did not opt back in, they would be homeless and lose their base... their stability.  (Dissonance theory revisited.)

I guess I am not that flexible.  A serious blow was taken.  I grew up.  The joy, the wonder, the exhileration is gone.  The suddenness of change and thoroughness turned me into an adult.  Until last night, I thought I could keep one foot in each world but now I realize I cannot.

Will I leave SL, no.  It still has regions to explore and so many things to do... Plus, even SL is going through growing changes.  Unfortunately, I think it is making adjustments that will create middle age.  I am not quite there yet.  I will explore jobs now... teaching, discussions, project creation.  But I truely mourn the loss of my all too short childhood.  I hope I can get some of the joy and wonder back but I fear that it will now be only for purpose, not for the exhileration of it.  We will see.