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on scott's poem,'in your cozy world'

this writing was composed in concept beginning about 5 weeks ago, when scott was feeling depressed.  i could see it and knew what it was, so we had our first of many discussions on what he was feeling.  as usual i would toss things out for him to comment on.  it was very heavy, not the most pleasant for either of us.  but it had to be done. we discussed his emotions and tossed out discriptors till we could take no more of that session.   he said he wanted to write about it and share it so all could see.

i was not at all comfortable with this idea, though as always i whole heartedly and with zealousness support whatever he wishes to say, and how.  it was just the thought of the overall discomfort and challenge which scared me a bit.  i did not look forward to dragging him through the process of a writing of this nature, causing him to feel so wholly the darkess in all its rage.   i did not like to feel scott feeling such a  heaviness.  scott is, more than you can know, very very precious to me.  he's my shade tree. 

i let a week go by for him to toy with how he wanted to share these things, partly hoping i could cheer him enough for him not to want to write them anymore, i confess.  but next check in he was still passionate and of deep convictions, so we proceeded.   then we spent time tossing out analogies and comparrisons  selecting the ones he wanted.   elaborating on the ones he wanted.  he wanted it to rhyme.  i couldnt get it to rhyme and still carry the weight of it.  finally we had a final draft and he fell in love with each word. it was important to him to be read very slowly so the words would sink in.   scott felt this writing to his core, to every cell, every fiber of his being.   

after he was ready to  post it, and told me where and how, we covered the balance of it all, or tossed it out to be sure we both knew we both knew it.  the balance being this is one side of his coin.  its unrelenting.  it can not be consoled by cheap words which cant be responded to.  it is.  and it gnaws loudly.   the other side of the coin is that scott is extreamly loved and in very fortunate ways.  he is a special treasure to all who know him.  they adore him.  and rightly so.  he also has peers who prefer his company above all others, and he knows this.  his family put him on a throne.  rightly so again, and his mother has the most beautiful profound relationship with him a mother/son could have.   thats the other side.  we both knew then, that we both knew about that side too.  neither side negates the other.   

there was a wee bit of controversy after scott decided to post this.  he was given the opportunity to do so anonymously when he declined.   i addressed the controvery with the following;  anyone else in their 30's who wanted to write scuh a  poem would be permitted to, and not even questioned.  the same would hold true if they wanted to put it on the web.  we all have our dark moments and times. interestingly enough, when we share them, they not only help us but often help others.

scotts message needed to be said.  he did it very very well. i'm proud of his efforts and determination.   i think most people know the feeling of sitting with others and not feeling a part of them or connected in any way.  i learned new bits about isolation through all this.  ty scott for sharing    ty scott for being~ 

your lowly mascot
who adores you forever

Posted by group mascot on January 30, 2005 at 11:20 AM in Mascot's Musings | Permalink


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your writing and your words blow me away
for a person who worked with and who is your friend you did good scott and i am very proud of you you are a wonderful person and a person like you will never be alone.
love and much love Doreen

Posted by: Doreen Beasley | Jan 31, 2005 4:53:18 PM

awwwe doreen~ i'm gonna call him at home and read this to him! i forgot to tell the crew you'd seen and loved their blog. thx for posting a comment!

your rl friend
the mascot

Posted by: the mascot | Jan 31, 2005 5:07:19 PM

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