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ty mom by mary

hi, my name is mary and i have cerebral palsy. i want to write about my mom.  she was the most powerful influence in my life. 

my mom tired to always help me, even though she too was sick and it was not easy for her.  she was always kind and took time to teach me the important things i would need to know in my life.  my dad died when i was 8 years old.  i had two brothers my mother had to raise as well.  she brought us up on her own.  it was hard for her since she was sick  too.  (i cant share the name of the sickness she had, it doesnt come out clear enough.)

the doctor wanted to put me in an institution because my mother's health problems were so bad.  back in those days the institutions  were horrible places to be.  they were overcrowded and dirty.  people werent treated with dignity, nor human rights like we know them today. 

my mother had no way to take care of me.  i was 39.  she was so sick she had to go stay in the hospital.  she was worried for me and didnt want me to go to an institution.  i'm so grateful for her care for me even though it was a sacrafice for her.  my life would have been so different otherwise.  i ended up going to live with a woman who used to work for my mother. 

shortly after that my mom had to move to a nursing home.  i used to go see her on saturdays.  it made us both so happy!  she got worse and worse and finally died.  a big piece of me died when she died.  she was the best friend of my entire life. 

i was very lonely for my mom.  i missed her very much.   it wasnt long after that i decided to get married to a man named joe who also had cp.  he was in my cerebral palsy group.  at first joe helped me not feel so lonely.  i had to fight really hard for the right to marry joe.  it was a hard struggle. 

i was married 14 years.  the first few were the better ones, but like many marriages after awhile it fell completely apart.  we both agreed it was a good idea to end it.  so i was back on my own again and joe went to a group home.  we stayed friends.

i got married for the wrong reasons, not for love.  at the time i thought i loved him, but it didnt take long for me to realize i didnt even like him.  in the beginning i hoped everything would be alright if i just got married.  it seemed the best thing to do.  all of my friends thought it was the right thing.  after awhile it was obvious it was very bad for me. 

its hard to look back on those times.  i'm very ashamed of what i became.  i used to fight with my husband  and try to run him down in my wheelchair.  i used to kick and hurt him.  sometimes a marriage can bring out the worst in people. sometimes its better to end it.   now i think about these things and feel really badly.  i dont like who i was and how i behaved.  i'm often plagued with shame and guilt from this.  but we are only human and learn from our mistakes. we have to listen to our hearts and not the pressures from friends or what society tells us is the best thing to do.

then i moved to the place i live now.  things have gotten much better for me.  i have very good pca's (personal care assistants) and i'm very happy.

i met this man named ej who had cp.  he was funny and smart and very wise.  he was a dear friend to me and i cared a lot for him.  he fell in love with me.  at first i wasnt sure what i wanted.  then i decided i only wanted to be good friends.  i was afraid to love anyone like that because i didnt want to hurt anyone or be that terrible person again.  it made me a little sad for him that i couldnt return his love.  but i just could not.  he still calls me and asks to be a couple, but i always say no.  i want to just stay friends.  im gonna listen to my heart this time.  i dont need to have a man to be happy.  i'm happy just as i am.

what i've learned from life is to be happy with who i am and not look to another to find that happiness.  we wont always do things the right way, but we can try.   it was my mothers wise instructions and guidance that got me through the hard times.  she gave everything she had for me and was the best example of my life.  even after she was gone her words would come back to me and speak.  they were there in my most difficult times and gave me comfort and guidance.

you cant always know or see the powerful effects of loving someone.  to this day i'm grateful for the love of my mother.  she made all the difference of my life~  THAT she did!  ty mom

mary

Posted by group mascot on January 25, 2005 at 06:12 PM in mary's writings | Permalink

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Comments

Mary, what you've written is so honest and beautiful! I know your mom was very proud of you! All the sacrifices she made for you were paid back by your love!

Posted by: elizabeth | Jan 25, 2005 9:26:59 PM

many of us have ulgy spots we'd like to hide from the world that lurk in the dark crevices of our past, even if just a terribly hurtful thing we said which we will always regret.

sadly not everyone allows these blunders to transform them as fully as you mary. you ARE the queen of hearts! the horrible things you dispise from your past have worked in some devine way to make you one of the most helpful considerate and nuturing souls i've ever met. you are and always will be a shining example to me in these things.

thx for being so real, i know it wasnt easy to do. huuuuuugs and love

your mascot

Posted by: the mascot | Jan 26, 2005 5:05:07 AM

Mary, you are very wise. Many live their whole lives without realizing they don't need others to define their happiness. Thank you for a very honest and touching post.

Posted by: Lora Morgan | Jan 28, 2005 12:22:52 PM

mary darlin, i'm just leaving sl after attending the event on live2give. i thought you might like to know someone there said this post of yours was their fav one in the blog~ nice work girlie... keep um coming!!

your loyal mascot
lil me

Posted by: the mascot | Jan 28, 2005 11:19:48 PM

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