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being strong can take a lot of strength

anonymous wilde

being strong can take a lot of strength sometimes.  i'm a bit weary from being strong so long.  at least i know things will be changeing soon.  i will try my very best to hang in there and believe things will get better.

i feel so mistreated.  i live in a group home where the staff has recently turned over.  we have new staff who dont do nearly as good nor as caring a job with me.  i am in a stationary manual chair.  that means i cant move about unless someone moves me.  i'm also non verbal for the most part, but i can say a few words like yes no and ty pretty clearly.   i'm so sad over whats going on, its rather hard to write about.  but i have to.   i have to tell people!

today i shared with the rest of the wildes whats been going on at home.  it was hard to share.  i havent been treated very kindly and am being yelled at nearly everyday.  i'm not even sure what the reason is i'm being yelled at.  i always try hard to do what i'm asked to do.  my food is being fed to me in unsafe ways and is too hot for me to eat.  it burns my mouth.  and i'm scared i might choke from the way i'm being fed.  i'm being showered in too hot of a water temperature and when i ask them to cool it down they just dont understand.  they think the water splash is bothering me, but its too hot!!  i'm regularly being put to bed much later than i like/need.  i'm having to wear unclean clothes and even other roommates clothes.  i want to wear my own clean clothes!!   i feel like i'm left alone for long periods of time, and no one asks my opinions anymore.  when i am clothed or moved from my chair to my bed i am handled too roughly.  it hurts!!   it just feels so horrid!

this past week i was cut during shaving by someone.  they arent supposed to use regular blades on my face because its hard for me to keep still always.  i cant help it. so i have an electric razor.  but they arent using it.   this past week someone took a chunk off my nose that bled for over an hour.  it was still bleeding 20 min after i got to the program even with pressure and ice on it. 

finally someone asked me the right questions to find out just how bad things have been getting.  i was a little afraid because sometimes when you get someone in trouble your not always treated better.  it was scary.   my family knows.  my dmr service coordinator knows.  reports have been filed with dppc.  they are gonna move me out.  i want to move out.  i just cant take anymore.  i try so hard to be good and understanding and patient with people.  i'm relieved its out in the open now.  i'm so glad my peers know because they could support me having been through simular things.  moving out wont happen overnight.  i love my roommates very much and it will be hard to leave them.  it will take a lot of strength to be so strong.   

someone from the program will visit me this weekend just to make sure the staff are being good to me.  they are gonna pretend to come over on sunday too, though we are just tricking my house staff so they will  be ready.  they dont really plan on coming back on sunday.

i want people to know these things happen.  i want people to know so those it happens to wont feel so alone.  i want this to change about the world.  i need it to change for me.  being strong can take a lot of strength.  but we just cant give up!

Posted by group mascot on March 25, 2005 at 07:18 PM in other's writings | Permalink


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I'm so sorry this has happened to you! It made me both sad & angry to read what you wrote. I'm so glad you were able to let someone know what was going on so you could get some help. It's horrifying to think that someone could be trapped in this type of situation & not be able to tell someone or be too frightened to speak up. I hope things get better for you. No one should be treated like that!

Posted by: elizabeth | Mar 29, 2005 11:08:11 AM

I feel as Elizabeth has shared...

Sorry that you have gone through this, yet also relieved that you do have an outlet to let people know (at the home and here).

I relate to what you stated. We have much in common. Most might not think so. I mean, if one were to look at me superficially or by facade (how I present in RL), it's apt I'd be asked, "So, what's the problem. Why don't you just say something." I can verbalize. But there is ever the fear of possible repercussioins - when having to rely on others for assistance when my body fails me and defies my best and strongest of wishes.

But... You have to tell, as do I, and do as you have: Say it until someone listens. People who care will pay attention.

Bless you!

You offer a lot of encouragement.

Posted by: Sierra/Rain | Mar 30, 2005 4:08:30 AM

ty for caring. i can feel your support and it makes a difference. its hard to imagine something good coming from such an ulgy time in my life. but i have to hope some good can come from it, even if only reminding people that these things still happen. we are people too. no one should be treated this way!!

i'm trying to be patient and hang in there but its really hard. until things are fixed i cant rest inside. even tho people tell me to be strong, and i try to be strong, i'm still afraid everytime i go home.

i know things will change, but until then it takes a lot of strength to be strong.

anonymous wilde

Posted by: wilde cunningham | Mar 30, 2005 2:24:05 PM

sweet rain~

you add/bring so much! never stop being you!! one thing we know is that disabilities come in all shapes and sizes... social ones can be the most painful!! we know someone who cant even be with other people, but aches for them so. in a group discussion we decided they had it worse than any of us/them. (=

all are lil
all are big
together we are strong!!

Posted by: the mascot | Mar 30, 2005 8:49:39 PM

on a ps note for of general interest. the computer, sl, and the blog has been the most powerful comfort tool of all. the remedy fix for the really hard places. its power to build wilde continues to stun and amaze me. its been a special comfort to this particular wilde at this particular time.

Posted by: the mascot | Mar 30, 2005 9:15:02 PM

just an update today i met with the investigator. she was really nice and listened to everything i had to say. she said somethings that made me feel better. she gave her word i'll be in a safer place inside of one week. while it may be a bumpy week, it will not be more than a week and soon things will be much better.

ty all for caring
dont let this happen to someone you love!

anonymous wilde~

Posted by: anonymous wilde | Mar 31, 2005 1:24:47 PM

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